Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
