I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Im part way to drunk.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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