His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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