Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
