you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
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i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
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I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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