She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
