if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
