I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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