My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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