Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
