The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
