I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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