Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
