R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
