There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
