It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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