Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
