Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just forgot I was standing up.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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