nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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