Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My dick has a subreddit
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
