How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
