So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
