your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My vagina is officially offended.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Pants are for mortals
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing