Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.