but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.