I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My friends, they love my intelligence
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
