Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
