I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
