Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
