Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
