the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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