Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
