Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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