I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
