I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
