at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
