well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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