ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
