I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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