There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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