she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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