I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
