we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
