I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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