apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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