hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
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i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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