I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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