His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
That accounts for only three of the penises
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall