I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
