The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Boobs speak an international language.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
