We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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