i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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