I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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