I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
