I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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